Review: The Orange Box

TonyDaytona

89%

The Orange Box? Ok, whoever named this game should be shot. An “orange box” is what you get if you finger a girl’s muff after eating a bag of Cheetos (Mmmm… cheesy beaver). This game should’ve been named High Five, since you get 5 games for the price of 25 bags of Cheetos.
   Two of the games PC-fans have seen before (Half-Life 2 & Episode 1), but the X360 crowd gains 5 original titles including Episode 2, Team Fortress 2, & Portal. These three new games win big in the value category, but I was never completely sold on any of the games. This isn’t to say I didn’t enjoy the games, it just means that it took all three to win me over.
   Portal is an action-puzzle game that is part Tomb Raider and part Prey. You’re basically a rat in some mad scientist’s experiment, where you can project portals onto every wall, floor, or ceiling. The goal is to use the portals to find a way out, without losing your mind. It’s obvious the devs have a good sense of humor and the AI-guide had some choice commentary.
   Episode 2 takes us (by “us” I mean PC gamers) back to our Half-Life 2 roots. I won’t bother with the plot recap or the spoiler, but Epi-2 does a decent job entertaining you for 5-10 hours. Even though Epi-2 uses the same old engine, it does a decent job making you forget this tech was around when gas was $2 a gallon.
   The true value comes with the inclusion of Team Fortress 2. I think Valve was smart by pulling away from the realistic graphics approach and going with stylized-graphics. (think WoW meets CS). This FPS combines unique classes with multi-player combat objectives. Two words: sick fun!
   I’m sure some marketing genius at Valve will bundle next year’s release as The Orange Package, but I’ll be ready with some lame comparison about a Doritos-induced hand job.

ComradePepp...

94%

The extent of VALVe's generosity shocks me. Five A-list games in one package. They threw in Half Life 2, Episode 1, Episode 2, Portal, and Team Fortress 2. It really is the greatest deal of all time. But of course everything has flaws -- in the Half Life 2 series for example, you are constantly followed around by an annoying cunt who just won't shut the fuck up. And speaking of Alyx, did you know that The Orange Box is really her nickname? While she was following Gordon Freeman around all those sewers and radioactive areas, she caught a horrible yeast infection. When Gordon Freeman saw her naked, he saw that her box was orange, and that became her code name. This is one of the reasons why he never says a word to her -- he is embarrassed and shocked by her disgusting twat. By the way, she never changes her pants throughout the entire game. In fact, she doesn't change her clothes at all.
   Now let's talk about Team Fortress 2. TF2 borrowed World of Warcraft's class based gameplay and implemented it in the FPS genre. This game rewards skill and if you are a skilled player everyone will know it. I don't mean to brag but I took out 5 people at the same time. TF2's gameplay revolves around capturing bases but I don't give a shit, all I want to do is wtf pwn nubs. At this moment TF2 is the best online FPS out there -- it gets right to the point and it is tons of fun.
   Then there's Portal, the innovative puzzle shooter that borrowed its concept from Prey (and no it didn't rip off Prey, it simply took Prey's idea and made it better). No one cares about Prey because it's a piece of shit. You have to play through 19 levels of intense puzzle solving using your magical portal gun. Not only is this game fun but it also serves as a dumb fuck test. If you can't figure it out then you're a dumb fuck.

Newton

95%

I would have bet the only orange box I would ever want was that super fast Thundercat chick’s, but I would have been wrong. The Orange Box is the most clear cut example of a game that is worth buying I’ve ever seen! You get a unique new puzzle game, a cool multiplayer FPS, and three Half Life single player adventures all for the price of a regular one facet title.
   Personally I love portal the most of the 5 games. I was one of those people who unlocked all the cheats on 007 for the N64 despite the fact that it initially seemed “impossible” to do. When I first saw some of the gold times I was shocked, but when you really start wrapping your head around what the portal gun is capable of you realize there is almost never a need to take a single step. You start getting godly times when you stop beginning each level by walking and instead use the portal gun to instantly zip to your first destination.
   The graphics in HL2 are crap compared to what you experience as you move into episode 2. The environments and especially the textures are a lot better. The only thing that remains basically untouched is the physics engine, which was already sick in the first installment. The enemies I found most fun were the walkers, which are back in droves with beefed up AI. One thing I would love to see is for Counterstrike: Source to get graphics upgrades mirroring those you see as the episodes progress.
   Team Fortress is a very fun FPS game, but I continue to prefer games that don’t have a class system. Getting a kill with an assassin who specializes in knife kills just isn’t the same as straight up shanking someone in CS. The whole point of a knife kill is it’s not “supposed” to happen and it is embarrassing. Being killed by an assassin isn’t humiliating…. It is just what that class does.